If there’s anything I have learned within the past several weeks, it’s that control is one big fat illusion. At the beginning of the summer, I was so stoked to mark a few adventures off the bucket list. I naively thought that if I put my goals out into the universe they might actually happen. But with the thyroid cancer scare, Roe v Wade getting overturned, and now a raging wildfire in Yosemite, I am starting to get the message from the Trip Planning Gods that maybe this isn’t the right time. Maybe these hiking excursions just weren’t meant to be. So for the last several days, I’ve been feeling really bitter and angry as I process all of this.
To play catch up, it took three weeks after my surgery to find out that the nodule on my thyroid was benign. This was great news! However, the whole ordeal set my plans back as I recovered. On top of that, I eventually started taking classes for the summer and did not get to hike, run, or at the very least go exploring on the Ozark Trail as much as I would have liked to. By the time the semester ended and as I started to build back my trail legs, the fire in Yosemite broke out. I wasn’t too concerned at first, but then my reservations for campsites I had booked for the North Rim Route trip got canceled as areas within the park went up in flames. That’s when it all hit me that this summer really wasn’t turning out to be as spectacular as I had made it out to be in my head.
Granted, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to cancel a hike because of something out of my control. I was one of the many Appalachian Trail NOGOs in 2020 because of the pandemic. Ever since then, I’ve been able to go on a handful of impromptu trips around Missouri, Arkansas, and Kentucky when I could carve it out. These are what I like to call band-aid trips. Hikes that are short, usually lasting a night or two, and that give me a quick fix for the outdoors in between semesters or work shifts. The bigger plans always seem to fall through. Whether it be because of life obligations, a mental health crisis, or my hiking partner flaking at the last minute, somehow someway, what I plan never gets to happen. This post isn’t a pity party, but mostly a testament to how life never goes exactly as planned.
Slowly, resentment has built over the last few years as I outfit more and more customers at the Alpine Shop to find a pair of hiking boots for a Rim-to-Rim hike of the Grand Canyon or a day pack for their first trip to Glacier National Park. I am happy to help them find the gear that will make their goals more attainable, but every transaction stings more than it should. This summer I finally made a deal with myself to try and do a couple of the hikes I’ve been dreaming about. But now, it’s looking rather bleak. The lesson in all of this? We can’t control the universe, that is a fact. However, when things don’t go our way, we can either choose to retreat to our couches and binge Netflix with a pint full of vegan ice cream for the rest of eternity or we can choose to adapt and move on. There is nothing wrong with Netflix or vegan ice cream, but in this case, I think I need to shrug this series of unfortunate disasters off and not give up on what my heart wants.
So, back to the drawing board I go! The trips I had planned this summer will be archived for later use and now I will choose somewhere else to saunter into the wilderness. I have about a month until the fall semester kicks up anyway, so my hope is that I’ll be able to fit in something before then. Colorado sounds fun and wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to get there from St. Louis, but I don’t want to jinx anything. Whatever happens, as long as I get a taste of some mountain air and the smell of my filthy self after days in the backcountry without a shower, I will be fine.
See you out on the trail!