Reflections and Deep Thoughts
Hiking intentions for 2023 and an appreciation for how far I've come
With 2022 having come to a close, it’s natural to feel reflective as we think back to all the highs, lows, and moments of growth over the last 356 days. I don’t usually feel this way though. Honestly, I tend to march into the new year rolling my eyes at anyone who starts a new diet or sets a bunch of resolutions that always end up causing more guilt than joy. However, the start of 2023 is feeling bittersweet for me as I think about how different I am now from who I was in January last year.
To be transparent, I was in one of the darkest headspaces of my life during that time and I don’t feel comfortable completely unpacking everything that happened. But I definitely hit a rock bottom and spent the majority of 2022 trying to claw my way out of it. Rebuilding your sanity, and your life from ground zero is beyond intimidating. I didn’t feel like I had any other choice than to start trudging through the tangled mess I found myself in and hope that something beautiful came from that experience. And it did.
I won’t dive into everything that went into regaining homeostasis again, but being on trails and in the backcountry had something to do with it. That’s what I want to talk about today. My relationship with nature, the woods, mother Earth, the tiny molecules that make up a tree, and the dirt paths I’ve followed for hours have always been a little complicated. As a kid, the hills and mountainous hollers around me were an escape from all the things I didn’t want to face. Getting older brought a discovery of backpacking, a purchase of leather hiking boots, and a hobby with arms to fall into when I needed a home.
The development of my eating disorder left me grasping for anything that could tell me that I was enough; being good at burning calories was the only thing that drove me to trailheads on dark mornings before a 10 am work shift. Being forced to stop relentlessly pounding my feet into the ground for a few months was the worst withdrawal I’ve ever known, but it was the only thing that could save the outdoors from becoming an outlet to kill myself faster. Reconnecting with the trails again felt like seeing an old lover from across the room and just hoping they would take me back.
Since then, each hike and trail run no longer makes me feel numb. Instead, the meditative act of putting one foot in front of the other for miles has made me feel many things. Anger, pain, rage, sadness, bliss, peace, exhilaration. I’ve laughed, smiled, cried out, thrown rocks at trees, scuffed the dirt, fallen, and gotten back up so many times over the years while out in the backcountry, and 2022 was no exception. If anything, this past year of hiking has taught me to love myself a little more, and I’m excited to see what I discover going forward.
I mentioned above that I’m not a huge fan of making resolutions in January. However, I do like to set intentions to carry with me into the new year. For 2023, I intend to continue improving my relationship with movement and how that relates to trail-related endeavors. I intend to go on backpacking adventures and prioritize allowing any emotions, thoughts, or feelings to come up while hiking. I intend to knock some hikes off of my imaginary trail bucket list. I intend to explore trail running more and learn to set goals that are in line with my values. I intend to fuel appropriately on each of my hikes or runs. And finally, I intend to sit and stay on the couch instead of hiking whenever I feel like it.
These are just a few of my thoughts as I enter the new year and prep for my upcoming Foothills Trail thru-hike. Do you have any hiking or trail-related intentions for 2023? If so, I hope they help you further with whatever journey you are on.
Thank you for listening and stay tuned for more content throughout the year. I’m excited to have you here.
See you out on the trail!