Three Things I Have Learned About Food on Trail As Someone In Recovery From An Eating Disorder
These things also definitely relate to people not in recovery as well
For most of my high school years, I was hungry. Not just hungry, I was starving. And on top of that, I felt horrendous guilt any time I ate no matter what it was. Setting appropriate boundaries around my tendency to over-exercise felt like being split in half. Oh, and I got into a horrible habit of purging whenever I was stressed…which was a lot. This, my friends, is what life can look like with an eating disorder. It is messy, gross, horrific, and very unpleasant 100% of the time. Since high school, and the various relapses throughout college, I can now say that I finally am in a stable place with my relationship to food and my body. It is far from perfect and I am still learning as I grow in recovery, but I am proud of how far I have come.
Throughout this process, I have discovered a lot about food in conjunction with my love for hiking, backpacking, and trail running. I have gone through dark periods of time where I utilized a lack of food during on trail endeavors as an act of self-punishment. I have made mistakes like forgetting to bring enough food (or bring too much food) on backpacking trips. On the flip side, I have also had wonderful experiences where food made my time on trail so much better as I fueled my body well enough to appreciate the world around me instead of listening to the hollow growls of my stomach.
In this post, I will share three things I have learned so far when it comes to food and on trail activities. I also want to preface this post by saying that I am not a mental health professional or a nutrition specialist. Therefore, I am purely speaking about my experiences and how they may or may not relate to other’s experiences. Please, always reach out to professionals for help if you are struggling.
Intuitive eating can be complicated on trail
When you enter eating disorder treatment, you are often given a structured meal plan from a registered dietitian to help you get back on track with food. Depending on the individual, a meal plan looks like eating X number of meals and X number of snacks per day. Structure at the beginning of recovery is vital as you learn to cope and detach yourself from the maladaptive behaviors you’ve utilized to survive for so long. As you progress, your meal plan gets more lenient, and soon flexibility is part of what will help heal your relationship with food. Eventually, the goal can be to eat intuitively or more in touch with your body’s hunger/fullness cues as they return. This can be a very long and overwhelming process, yet with time and consistency, things can feel more normalized around food
Then, you add steady exercise and movement into your life and suddenly the world turns upside down. You’re hungry a lot more than usual and navigating the complex feelings surrounding this sensation is a lot to deal with. There are also so many questions. How many times should I eat? How much do I eat? When should I eat? Well, it’s complicated! However, approaching intense trial activities with an intuitive eating mindset is not really the answer.
Exercise, especially in very hot conditions, has the ability to numb all hunger signals as your body is thrown into fight/flight mode. Therefore, sometimes it’s tempting to just not eat because you don’t feel like it. But this is definitely not a good idea because things will eventually crash and burn as you hit the dreaded “wall.” Moral of the story: you can’t always trust your body on trail. Still eating despite a lack of appetite is extremely important! If you tend to not eat enough to sustain the active lifestyle you want, how can you guide yourself toward a more sustainable approach with food?
It’s more complicated than “calories in/calories out”
When hiking or doing any trail-related sport, ensuring that you are fueling your body appropriately and also replacing what you are expending is vital for longevity purposes. Simply put, eating enough is key for long-term success when doing endurance activities. At the same time, toxic diet culture messages have a habit of sneaking into any setting, including the outdoors. It is not uncommon for runners or backpackers to fall prey to these types of harmful rhetoric. I’ve heard a lot of people, both on and off the trail often refer to “calories in/calories out” as their explanation for how the body processes food and exercise. Most of the time, they are referring to this concept when describing how to lose weight, but not always.
Nevertheless, as I have progressed in recovery and learned more about certain health misconceptions, the simple term “calories in/calories out” just isn’t true. The body is a lot more complicated than that and labeling food this way can be dangerous. Yes, food is fuel. It is energy, but it is also so much more than that. Food is connection. It is full of memories. It can hold special meanings for people and is most of all meant to be enjoyed. When out on the trail, in the thick of the woods, miles away from civilization, what foods not only help you feel your best but also make you happy?
Bring the foods you like, leave the foods you hate
When backpacking or hiking, especially if you are new to it, it’s easy to think you only need to eat stereotypical “trail food.” This includes dehydrated meals, or anything not shelf-stable, and an endless supply of Clifbars. If you are a runner, you may think you have to bring a whole host of gels and chews to help get you through. None of these foods are bad; they all serve a purpose and can be great options. However, I think it’s important to know that you don’t necessarily have to exclude any foods for on-trail activities. All foods can fit in the backcountry!
In my experience, the best trail food is the food you like and enjoy eating. This can include food from your everyday life or food you seem to only cherish on the trail. I am very fond of bringing burritos or wraps with me on day hikes as well as sandwiches or Uncrustables. The tuna packets I often bring on backpacking trips never seem appealing at home but always hit the spot while hiking. The key takeaway: don’t force yourself to eat foods you don’t like just because they are “backpacking” foods. Definitely try what you want, but don’t feel bad if you don’t like it. Oftentimes humans form arbitrary rules around foods and it’s helpful to check in with ourselves to uncover the hidden messages beneath them. Have you found yourself following certain food rules while on the trail and if so, how can you work past them?
Thoughts and reflections
I have been thinking a lot about the times I struggled the most with food, especially while on trail. With Blood Sweat Tears now available, I figured it made sense to reveal that my short story within the collection is specifically about the self-confidence issues and eating disorder thoughts I experienced while on my Mt. Elbert hike in Colorado two years ago. At the time of the trip, I wasn’t as aware of how much I was struggling.
However, looking back there were so many overt behaviors being used to display the self-hatred I was feeling toward my body, particularly myself having a woman’s body. It’s a really vulnerable topic that I don’t think is talked about enough and I did not dive as deep as I could have within the short story. Yet, I shared what I was comfortable with and I hope other hikers, backpackers, and trail runners can relate and feel less alone.
Hope you enjoyed this post!
See you out on the trail!